A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
