I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
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