Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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