Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
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