you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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