textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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