Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Randomize
