You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
