I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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