party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
