we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
two words: eviction party
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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