Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Randomize