So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I think my moral compass just broke
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
