Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Randomize