I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize