Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
