I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
