did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Randomize
