We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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