areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
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