Your dad touched me again.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
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