Fine. I'll sleep in my office
guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
