She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
