I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Randomize
