is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
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