I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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