if i can run in heels then i can drive
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
