I just pynch a tree in the face
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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