the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Randomize
