I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
