My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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