I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
