I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
