Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
