Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
