i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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