Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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