Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Well apparently he's into motor boating.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
