Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
