I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
