I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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