She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
