I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
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