the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
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