Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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