pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Randomize
