i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
