so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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