I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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