i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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