I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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