Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Randomize