I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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