He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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