I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
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