Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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