i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I stole a fireplace last night.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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