You just made me feel so damn special
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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