I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
