I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
