apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
