Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
