Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
