Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
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