Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Randomize
