as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
