Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
