This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
