1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
